the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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