I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
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It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
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Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize