The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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