worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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