hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
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