best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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