i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
