I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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