please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
