they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
