I'm really into asian looking animals
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
