Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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