Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
