just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
