my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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