I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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