Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
