Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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