I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
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the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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