We are two peas in an std pod
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
