you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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