SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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