I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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