New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
