The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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