why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
