i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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