I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
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I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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