apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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