apparently the secret to your success is patron
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
