My Higher Power is John Stamos
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
