I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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