you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
