I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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