shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
