Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
