Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
