dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
