Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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