Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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