Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
