I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need a beard to bite.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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