so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
