mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Randomize
