the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
