you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
