Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
