No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
