how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
