i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
