He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
