so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
