I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
