i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
