i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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