whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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