One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
