I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
