I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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