also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
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like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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