Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
