ya dads aren't the best wingmen
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
